1973’s The Wickerman Adapted for the Posting Lifestyle

The Wickerman (the 1973 original) is a movie that appears to have aged badly. The entire premise seems to rest on you relating to a man so convinced of the truth and universality of Catholicism that if he were to attend a Unitarian Universalist sermon his head would likely explode. But I saw in this rigid satire of faith the kind of petty bickering, bad faith arguments, and egging on of the other side’s most entertaining members that we all live in today. Here I will retell The Wickerman through gifs and the updated parlance of the dedicated poster. As it is important that we look to the future in terms of preserving our history and culture, I am hoping that this updating of the film will remain culturally legible for at least another 20 years.


A tradcath narc wanders away from his echo chamber, under the impression that a young woman has been shadowbanned. Wandering deep into pagan furry twitter, he begins to suspect a conspiracy around him.


The local posters barrage the confused pig with injokes and memes. Even though these ultimately are barely different from his own memes, he perceives them as bizarre and cultish.


Our protagonist dives deep into the elusive girl’s Instagram, going much further back than is reasonable to not seem creepy. He notices evidence of deleted posts, and suspects a rebrand.


Steadfast in his search for a woman to protect, he stumbles into the after-dark accounts. We learn that he is volcel.


The beleaguered boomer can no longer control himself and stops lurking to post a pathetic emoticon.


Now actively trying to convince others, he begins having arguments about the nature of gender and religion. Some people actually try to engage him, others jump in for a quick burn. He basically just repeats the name of the person he’s looking for over and over.


An argument about circumcision inevitably appears.

The most popular account has an honest tete-a-tete with the tradcath and explains their subculture’s positions and ways honestly and openly. The tradcath considers someone even talking to him about this an enormous violation. He threatens to ban the entire group.


He starts to lose his principles, and sends a gore pic, but claims it was relevant to his point.


He spends a whole night hovering over the Send-DM button after listening to an online sex worker’s self produced primitive pop album.


The fefo is finally revealed and restates her need for a white knight.


He makes an obvious sockpuppet account in an attempt to go undercover. Unbeknownst to him, the sub-cultural archetype he has chosen is The Dumbass. His bumbling is screenshotted for posterity.


The popular account reveals that the fefo was his sockpuppet and this whole thing was a ruse to make the tradcath show his ass.


The cop doubles down hard, proclaiming that he is friends with the pope and that his navy seal buddies will merc all of them. The popular account points out a fallacy in the tradcath’s argument causing the tradcath to immediately reneg, delete tweets, and appeal to the mods.


The unlucky poster is mercilessly flamed for the entertainment of the pagan furries. He retreats to private where he effectively tweets to himself about how godly he will now be. Ultimately he deletes his account and the furries meme him so hard that the memes bear fruit for almost a whole year.

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