5 of the Weirder Horny Games on Steam (NSFW-ish)

Screen from Bad Ass Babes

At the time of this writing, I have viewed 14,484 games in my Steam queue. My time-killing, self-soothing habit has long since exhausted the algorithms ability to actually show me anything relevant to my interests and as a result I am party to every bit of shovelware and outsider art that comes around. Before we start, let’s set the biggest ground rule: no run of the mill horny games. There are plenty of suggestive visual novels, and even more match 3s that slowly reveal some softcore hentai. What stands out to me are games that either are openly horny but in a strangely presented way, or that shoehorn hornyness into their games in a way that makes you wonder why these people cant just google “i am horny please help”.

Haydee

Let’s start with a softball. Haydee describes itself as “a hardcore old-style metroidvania mixed with modern-day third person shooter and platformer mechanics.” A look at the gameplay and art assets will probably have you thinking more along the lines of “Portal knockoff with guns” but… fair enough. Thankfully the description drops off one more piece of relevant information, just in case you’re unable to see what you’re getting yourself into. It innocuously adds “As well as a sexy character” to its elevator pitch, and it’s hard to miss the honkin dumptruck often taking up almost a 3rd of the screen. That’s right, in Haydee you play a supposed robot with a huge ass. Never mind that Haydee looks more like a human wearing stormtrooper themed lingerie (even in contrast to its well drawn thumbnail art), there’s some sort of underground robot facility and a dark story involving Haydee models strewn about the floor; tragically pantsless and presumably felled by action combat in high heels.

Panty Party

One upping notorious creep games like Gal Gun, Panty Party takes the well trod horny anime route in a pretty wild direction. The gameplay appears to be a mix between DBZ fighting game and arcadey dogfighting simulator, where one on one battles are waged between floating sentient panties. It’s something that has to be seen to be believed, and while the premise itself is a real humdinger, the production values are kind of baffling. There’s quality 2D (human) character art and voice acting which is already surprising, but the panty models themselves flap and twirl around brightly colored stages as they unload magical munitions into each other. The game thankfully has a sense of humor about itself, and is willing to be flexible when it comes to gender with a sniper rifle wielding, deep voiced, bear themed pair of panties as a playable character.

Bad Ass Babes

Ah, Bad Ass Babes, truly one of the weirder things on Steam period. It eschews the reigning youthful genre of anime horny for the altogether out of place dad horny. It’s a side scrolling beat-em-up with all the trappings of a bowling alley arcade machines from the mid 90s, but replace pixel art of street fighters with photographic sprites of pinup cheesecake; the variety enjoyed by a middle aged straight guy who’s had a subscription to Hustler for 40 years. The biggest question anyone would have when looking at this is: who in the world would allow their real faces to appear in this? Certainly not the men (man?) involved, who play the enemies: hordes of Halloween mask zombies and aliens otherwise wearing casual dress clothes. The developer, Thatcher Productions, recently released another game (Urban Lockdown) that takes out the smut but adds live action scenes apparently filmed with coworkers on a long lunch break at the office.

Super Seducer

Ugh, Super Seducer. Maybe I shouldn’t have included this one, because it’s gotten plenty of buzz already and that feels like it should exclude it from this list a little. What makes me want to include this actively harmful PUA guide to being a sex pest is that it checks every single box when it comes to weird horny games. Effectively made by one male cishet creep? Check. Baffling cooperation by other adult human beings in it’s production? Check. Out of date oddball genre, in this case CYOA full motion video, being used by someone who doesn’t have much experience with games? Check. The ideas, presentation, and general personality of the guy making it are all so weirdly idiosyncratic the project seems almost interesting despite its core repulsiveness? Check, check, and double check. Oh, and there’s a “self-aware” sequel now. Look, all I’m saying is, it’s totally okay to want to gawk at this predatory sewer creature, just don’t actually pay for the games.

Hacked: Hentai Prison

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This game is actually an intersection with another one of my favorite Steam bottom feeder genres, and soon to be focus of an article itself: the Russian shovelware game. Published by W.T.B. and featuring it’s low rez 16 bit color logo of a stoned looking, hoodied gopnik, the game describes itself as such:
“What happens if you spend the whole day locked up and masturbate the code? That’s right, you’ll go crazy! Now you see the whole world in binary code, but the only thing that connects you to the real world is hentai!”
Okay so it’s that scene in the Matrix where steak man tells Neo that if you stare at the computer code hard enough you can see a whole dang titty. Looking like the Windows 98 maze screensaver with the occasional artifacted anime pinup on a wall, I’m glad that gamers continue to put their best foot forward with this game’s (I can only assume intentional) September 11 release.

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